Denied

Today I feel a bit out of sorts.

Lost.

And a little bit stuck and stifled.

Twelve years ago I stumbled into the world of massage therapy and found something I loved. And something I was good at. A career that I really felt the Lord had provided me. It was something that I was good at and excelled in. And the bonus was that I was able to pass off personality quirks because I was a “flaky-hippie massage therapist.” It had become who I was as much as it was what I did.

My vocation allowed me to make a real difference in someone’s life, and that was what my heart desired most. And on the days when it wasn’t always fulfilling, I had plenty of hobbies that were to fill the void.

However I have struggled at times with my massage career. It is no secret that we have moved around a bit. And each time we moved it required me to get my license in a new state, find a new job and build a new clientele. It is challenging to start from the bottom every two years.

Each time we moved I feel as if I’ve lost a little bit of myself. I’ve had to start over from scratch and figured out what it was I loved and why. My hobbies and interests have dwindled down and I’ve been left with next to nothing. But massage was always there to reassure me that I was still me.

And then we moved to NY. And the process started again. However in the wake I’ve been left with little motivation to do anything that I once loved. But that little massage spark still twinkled and so I applied for my license and bent over backwards to fulfill all of their requirements.

And today it came, the letter informing me of their decision. The letter informing me that I do not have enough proof of experience in the form that they needed to receive it.

I’ve been denied.

 

The last bit of me that I knew was, in one moment, gone.

I knew that a time would come when I would retire my hands and move on. But I thought I would be the one in control of that decision. And now I’m left to wonder: where do I go from here?

What does one do with the shattered pieces of self that no longer seem to fit together in any form?

And yes, I know the easy answer. I have been in Sunday school for nearly 33 years and I am aware that it is the Lord who fits the pieces back together. And I do trust Him fully and know that there is something He has planned that I am unaware of. But that is the thing; I am unaware. What I am aware of is the emptiness of the shell that I inhabit. I am aware of the pieces of myself that have been chipped and chiseled away. I hold the remnants in my hands and watch them dissolve into tears and soak into the earth.

Maybe it is time for a rebirth; a time to create and make new. Maybe those remnants that dissolved soaked into the ground to nourish the seeds that were planted when I wasn’t aware. The question now is, what has been planted?

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One thought on “Denied

  1. I understand more than you can imagine. It was hard to read your reality right now. I wanted to say your identity far exceeds your hands, but it seemed empty in the weight of all the emotion your feeling. BUT the truth is your identity is sold in Christ and he WILL revile his knowledge of you in this lost place. Your purpose, value and worth are never wanting in the eyes of our father and He will place in your hand a firm and fulfilling purpose beyond what you can think or imagine. Massage therapy, well that was the launch pad of a much bigger plan! Don’t allow the enemy it find a foot hold in your grief, he has a way of getting comfortable. Grieve, and fight and hope and dream and seek His face! Your purpose, value and identity is still their, let Him overwhelm you with it! Be carried away in His love for you, just you. Soak in it! Praying for you today!!

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