Dreams that Change

Since I was 15 years old I had a clear idea of what I wanted in life.

1. To marry a pastor. Done. 

2. To have 6 kids. – We stopped at 2, because when you are 15 six kids sounds like a lot of fun, and then you start having kids and not only do you have to enjoy raising them, they cost a lot of money!

3. To be a stay at home mother and homeschool my kids.

Dream #3 has been the hardest of all for me. Due to circumstances I’ve had to work since my oldest was born. In fact each year they grew older, I had to work more. This past year Selah started kindergarten and spent the majority of it at our church preschool and kindergarten. She was an amazing student and had an amazing zest for learning. Because of her behavior in the classroom I assumed she would be so easy to homeschool and that she and I would enjoy being home together to make up on the time we lost during those younger years.

The big day came. The day I came home. It was good at first, she and I both enjoyed starting the school days together and learning together through the new curriculum. Slowly it turned sour. I know much of it is the transition from being home to having school at home, and the transition from being just mom to being mom and teacher. However the hardest part was watching my daughter who LOVED to learn want nothing to do with school. She would start the days by complaining, moping around over having to start school. Our hour and a half of work would turn into 3 or 4 hours due to complaining and pouting. As soon as she was done her first request was to turn on the tv. Not the reason I kept her home to school. Our relationship began to turn sour as well. This time I was hoping to treasure quickly became frustrating and stressful. And the hardest part for me was that I expected to love this part of my life and the guilt of not loving it was consuming. Which made everything harder for us both.

Selah and I finally sat down and talked one day. We talked about what we wanted and what each of us expected out of school at home. She and I decided together that homeschool may not be our best choice and Selah made the final decision that she wanted to be in a classroom again. She longed for teachers and assignments and time with classmates. I told myself that I would homeschool her as long as she wanted to be and it worked for us. It worked for us for 3 months.

I am sad that it didn’t work out. I’m trying not to see it as a failure but more as a trial of something that just didn’t work. Kind of like eating pizza every day, its just not right.

All that to say, today was big girls first day of school. She glowed as we walked her through the doors and into her classroom. I’m so glad she’s happy. And I know that once I figure out my days, I’ll be happy too.

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